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More Police Jokes and Cartoons

Know any good police jokes? Or maybe you're a Special with a funny story to tell (we all have them!). Please send them to me if you do - and if they're clean enough I'll post them here! Don't forget to also look at our forum for more jokes and anecdotes!

Things They Say When They're Arrested

This one will ring true with every police officer... common answers to the things our "customers" say when they're arrested:

  • No, I don't care who you are...

  • No, I don't care who you know...

  • Yes, you do pay my salary... (every Special's favourite, that one!)

  • Yes, you can have my job...

  • No, I don't have anything better to do..

  • Yes, I do arrest real criminals sometimes...

  • No, I'm not picking on you..

  • No, I can't let you off...

  • No, I don't know your mate who is a Police Officer...

  • Yes, I'm sure you know the Chief Constable...

  • No, I don't care that he will give me the sack...

  • Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call...

  • Yes, I'm sure your Solicitor will be interested...

  • Yes, you will probably never do it again...

  • No, we can't talk about it...

  • Yes, it does make me happy...

  • Yes, you will see me in Court...

Famous Police Quotes

  • "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."

  • "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

  • "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

  • "Yes sir, you can talk to the sergeant, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the sergeant?"

  • "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

  • "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

  • "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

  • "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

  • "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

  • "Just how big were those two beers?"

  • "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

You Might Be a Police Officer If...

  • You have a bladder capacity of five people

  • You've ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience

  • You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm

  • Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change

  • Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you

  • You find humour in other peoples' stupidity

  • You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see

  • You have your weekends off planned for a year

  • You believe that a "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for an arrest

  • You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet around here"

  • You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict

  • You have had to put a complainant on hold while you laugh uncontrollably

  • You believe the dispatcher is possessed

  • You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form

  • When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to food

  • You have heard "I have no idea how that got there" on more than a few occasions

  • It occurs to you suddenly one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone

  • You have learned a lot about paranoia simply by following random cars around in a patrol car

Cop and Monkey

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk". The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey nodded vigorously. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes", motioned the monkey.

"What happened?" Asked the officer.

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. They were drinking?" asked the officer.


"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?"


"What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing". "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes". "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they crashed?"


"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

Trust a fellow officer

A defence lawyer was cross-examining a police officer during a trial -- it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several streets away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defence lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

The Making of a Police Officer

Are police officers born, or made? This cartoon might help you decide...

Nice Try

A San Francisco motorist was unknowingly caught in an automatic camera speed trap. He received a $40 ticket in the post and a photo of his car. Instead of paying up, he sent the police department a photo of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department containing another picture - of a pair of handcuffs. He paid the fine.

But Officer...

  • Real-life speeding excuses that didn't quite cut it...

  • "I needed to get to the petrol station before the fuel runs out"

  • "I was hurrying to the petrol station before they ran out of free glasses"

  • "I'm a research physicist trying to prove Einstein's theory of relativity"

  • "Thank heavens officer, I thought the flashing blue light chasing me was a UFO"

  • "My shoes have just been resoled and I'm not used to the extra weight on the pedal"

  • "I was in a complete daze because I've got a new air freshener in my car"

  • "I'm a member of the Royal Family"

  • "I was trying to get away from the car following me"

  • "These 'go faster' stripes really do work then"

  • "I was trying to make up the hour we lost when the clocks went forward"

No Escape

A man is driving his car on the motorway when suddenly he sees a police car loom up behind him in his mirror. He immediately puts his foot down, reaching 60 mph, then 90 mph then finally 120 mph! Finally the police car catches up with him and he is forced to pull over.

Officer: "Didn't you see me in the mirror?"
Driver (sweating): "Yes I did."

Officer: "So why did you speed up then?"
Driver (looking nervously into the police car): "Well officer, my wife ran off with a policeman a week ago... I thought you were bringing her back!"

Your Dog!

Two officers attended a report of a break-in at a big posh house. They walked up the long drive to the front door of the house, on the door step was a tatty looking Alsatian dog, but it didn't bother them and they knocked on the door. An old, very well spoken gent answered the door and invited the officers in, and the dog followed them.

The gent's wife brought the officers tea and cakes whilst they examined the damaged window and took details of the property that had been stolen. Whilst this was going on the dog had fallen asleep in front of the fire. As the officers were about to leave (the cake was very nice and it was a cold day so they did a proper job) the dog woke up, walked to the middle of a very plush looking rug and proceeded to do a HUGE turd on the rug. The two officers looked on in shock, but neither the old gent or his wife batted an eyelid!

Their work done, the now speechless officers said goodbye and took their leave. As they started down the drive the old gent shouted after them, "excuse me officers, you seem to have forgotten your police dog..."


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's licence?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got caught drink driving.

Officer: May I see the MOT certificate and insurance for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the insurance certificate in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There's a BODY in the boot?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his sergeant. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the sergeant approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Sergeant: Sir, can I see your driving licence?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Sergeant: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the logbook, MOT certificate and insurance.

The driver owned the car.

Sergeant: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Sergeant: Would you mind opening the boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; no body.

Sergeant: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a driving licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying swine told you I was speeding, too...