More Police Jokes and Cartoons

Know any good police jokes? Or maybe you're a Special with a funny story to tell (we all have them!). Please send them to me if you do - and if they're clean enough I'll post them here! Don't forget to also look at our forum for more jokes and anecdotes!

Things They Say When They're Arrested

This one will ring true with every police officer... common answers to the things our "customers" say when they're arrested:

Famous Police Quotes

You Might Be a Police Officer If...

Cop and Monkey

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk". The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey nodded vigorously. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes", motioned the monkey.

"What happened?" Asked the officer.

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. They were drinking?" asked the officer.


"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?"


"What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing". "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes". "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they crashed?"


"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

Trust a fellow officer

A defence lawyer was cross-examining a police officer during a trial -- it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several streets away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defence lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

The Making of a Police Officer

Are police officers born, or made? This cartoon might help you decide...

Nice Try

A San Francisco motorist was unknowingly caught in an automatic camera speed trap. He received a $40 ticket in the post and a photo of his car. Instead of paying up, he sent the police department a photo of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department containing another picture - of a pair of handcuffs. He paid the fine.

But Officer...

No Escape

A man is driving his car on the motorway when suddenly he sees a police car loom up behind him in his mirror. He immediately puts his foot down, reaching 60 mph, then 90 mph then finally 120 mph! Finally the police car catches up with him and he is forced to pull over.

Officer: "Didn't you see me in the mirror?"
Driver (sweating): "Yes I did."

Officer: "So why did you speed up then?"
Driver (looking nervously into the police car): "Well officer, my wife ran off with a policeman a week ago... I thought you were bringing her back!"

Your Dog!

Two officers attended a report of a break-in at a big posh house. They walked up the long drive to the front door of the house, on the door step was a tatty looking Alsatian dog, but it didn't bother them and they knocked on the door. An old, very well spoken gent answered the door and invited the officers in, and the dog followed them.

The gent's wife brought the officers tea and cakes whilst they examined the damaged window and took details of the property that had been stolen. Whilst this was going on the dog had fallen asleep in front of the fire. As the officers were about to leave (the cake was very nice and it was a cold day so they did a proper job) the dog woke up, walked to the middle of a very plush looking rug and proceeded to do a HUGE turd on the rug. The two officers looked on in shock, but neither the old gent or his wife batted an eyelid!

Their work done, the now speechless officers said goodbye and took their leave. As they started down the drive the old gent shouted after them, "excuse me officers, you seem to have forgotten your police dog..."


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's licence?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got caught drink driving.

Officer: May I see the MOT certificate and insurance for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the insurance certificate in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There's a BODY in the boot?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his sergeant. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the sergeant approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Sergeant: Sir, can I see your driving licence?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Sergeant: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the logbook, MOT certificate and insurance.

The driver owned the car.

Sergeant: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Sergeant: Would you mind opening the boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; no body.

Sergeant: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a driving licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying swine told you I was speeding, too...