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Merlin820

Amusing jobs

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I've put this in here as I don't really like discussing duties on a public forum but had to share. Out on a warrants op last night in Luton and called at a flat. So we're all stood in a very tiny hallway, I'm by the toilet door, which is next to the front door, two colleagues at the front door, two colleagues in front of me talking to the occupants who aren't who we are looking for but we're checking documents etc.

So the female, who is clearly shocked by us suddenly arriving, wants to use the loo. So in she goes, door is ajar, we can all hear tinkle tinkle and then she broke wind. Well...............my colleague in front tries not to laugh, those at the door are in silent fits and I manage to remain composed but it's very difficult. Back on to the checks, five minutes later and she does it again, this time it's longer and more audible. Unfortunately at that point I had to walk out and take five because I just couldn't help myself.

The worst part was she wasn't at all phased by it.

Be good to hear other stories of failing to keep your composure.

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The funniest job I have been to in my short length of service involved a woman who had been evicted from her home, sectioned and then released from hospital. She checked in to the voluntary section of the mental health unit where she was accepted, left her belongings and went out on her mobility scooter due to only having 1 leg.

She was clearly out for a good time and arrived back at the hospital drunk. She was then discharged from the voluntary section, given her stuff and told to be on her way. One thing - she wasn't allowed to take her mobility scooter as she was drunk.

The original report came in as a concern for welfare as a MoP saw her throwing her 3 rather large bags in front of her, hopping to them, and throwing them a bit further. She had no walking aids at all, no crutches so was left just to hop. We found her sat by a post office drinking her sorrows away.

Fearing that we were in a carrier and she wouldn't be able to get in, we decided we would go to the hospital and get her scooter, bring it to her and tell her to get on her way. After my colleague riding the scooter out of the car park with his custodian on (Was a laugh!) all 4 of us tried getting this scooter in the back of the van. It didn't fit, what now?

We sent the scooter back into the hospital and decided we would go and pick her up and bring her to the hospital to collect it. We arrived back, told her she could have her scooter if she wants a lift to the hospital which she accepted.

Now the funny part starts of trying to get her into the van. I jumps in the van to take hold of her as she gets in to be told that she wants to and can do it herself. We let go and she proceeds to put her stump on the floor of the van, put all her weight on it and jump up. I'm not sure how I held from laughing, especially the look on my colleagues face!

Apart from the barrage of abuse, her trip eventually to this house wasn't that amusing so I will not continue to bore you!

Owen

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Went to a DV once, the female was in the front room with the paramedic, we had to go into the bedroom where the alleged asault took place, the room was pretty sparse save for a somewhat grotty bed, a pile of clothes in the corner and the biggest, blackest 'toy' of similar dimensions to some of her bruises, my sergeant and I had ever seen in our lives lying in the middle of the floor.

I've also nicked a tiger for drink driving.

On lates we often try and result jobs in a way in which will get a giggle or stiffled laugh from the radio op.

Edited by Derf

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On lates we often try and result jobs in a way in which will get a giggle or stiffled laugh from the radio op.

"BX BX from *unit*, we're on scene with the female who's fallen down the stairs...we can confirm she's got a nasty gash, received?"

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Responded to 89 year old female activating her house medical alarm. Turn up, NRRK. Looking through all windows, nothing. Shouting occupants name through letterbox, dead silence. Over the garden, no easy access. No windows open, etc. So me and this PC are pretty much looking at eachother asking who wants to put the door in. Then he goes "Ask the neighbour when they last saw her"

So some furious knocking on the adjoining house, opened by a pleasant woman who just happened to be working from home that day. Said she did know the woman and that she last saw her 3 weeks ago, when she went to her funeral. It was very much a sign of relief moment. My heart was racing. Turned out to be a false alarm. House was vacant. Possibly set off by family moving stuff out of the house just before we arrived.

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Been so many can't remember them all.

One of the most recent was probably a concern for welfare call.

Slightly eccentric elderly lady that never left house. Friends and neighbours would leave bags of shopping for her at her door and she would take them in.

We get a call stating the neighbours are concerned as there are a few bags outside the door. We rock up in the van and do the usual checks. House is in Darkness but we can see the living room has a fair few piles of newspapers lying about and there is a one bar electric fire on. House is all secure. Sniff test on the letter box is somewhat unpleasant, We ask for and receive permission to force entry which we do do with ease.

No lights are working so we advance with torches held. My colleague, who is quite a bit taller than I (and I'm 6'3") goes in first and we make our way to the living room where we sadly find the lady lying on the floor across the front of the sofa infront of the fire. We hadn't seen her through the window due to the piles of paper. My mate says me 'Oh dear...she's dead', to which a meek little voice from the floor says 'No I'm not!'.

I think I almost found myself with a couple of pounds of shepherds pie in my pants and my mate leapfrogging me to get away. You've never seen two bobbies jump so much in your life.

Long story short, the elderly lady had become confused and unable to look after herself and in her confusion had laid down in front of the fire with some papers on her for warmth. The smell was really coming from the kitchen where there were 25-30 open milk cartons in varying states of cheese making as well as packets of meat the neighbours had given for her to eat that were almost able to crawl across the counter themselves.

It was really a bit of a sad job at the end of the day although we did have a good laugh about it later.

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Overheard a vehicle check being done on a busy london road.

unit: "control, vehicle check please, believed to have made off from the scene of an RTC "

control: " go ahead"

unit: "A123BCD"

control: "comes back to a green lawn mower"

It was hilarious to hear, the whole writing room were in fits.

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"BX BX from *unit*, we're on scene with the female who's fallen down the stairs...we can confirm she's got a nasty gash, received?"

And then those seconds of airwave silence when you just know everyone is either groaning or dying laughing, thanking whoever needs to be thanked it wasn't them who said it.

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I got sent to find a man ringing 999 from a phonebox who would only give his name as God once.

Had fun resulting that one.

The usual putting the door in at a concern to find the poor old dear sat watching the TV in bed. She did get a shock.

Also went to a domestic a few weeks ago, after we chucked the male party out, the very upset female asked us to take her dad home. We agreed, thinking we'd just give him a lift and drop him off outside his house, which was just near the nick. She told us to apologise to her mum, she was just upset that she'd just shoved him in the cupboard and left him there. Much confusion, and some concern, until she handed us a small box of ashes, which my colleague very nearly dropped on the lounge floor. We managed to hold it together till we got in the car, and my colleague put the seatbelt round him.

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I went to a job with the acting nights skipper and my tutor at the time at about 2am where a female wanted us to have a chat to her now ex boyfriend. They'd had an argument and split up, the problem was, she had recently sent him some dirty pics and videos of herself and he was threatening to show all of his mates. She was quite graphic about what the nature of the photos was and even worse, they'd only known each other for 3 weeks after meeting from a dating website. She then asked if she'd done anything stupid as the realisation that she had finally sunk in. There was a pause at which point the skipper said "I'm not going to lie to you, yes, yes you have". At which point I had to leave the room, alas I don't think that stopped the muffled giggles.

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I found home made porn during a drugs search. The flat was rented to the girlfriend of a male who'd been lifted for drugs.

The female depicted in the porn wasn't the girlfriend...

I wasn't on duty when he was released but I imagine a domestic followed.

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Not me but a colleague was searching the scene of a murder and they were rooting through the garden bushes when he discovered what initially looked like part of a body. Upon some further clearing he discovered that infact it was a pulsating vagina and anus roughly life size just at the bottom of the garden as you do!

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Not me but a colleague was searching the scene of a murder and they were rooting through the garden bushes when he discovered what initially looked like part of a body. Upon some further clearing he discovered that infact it was a pulsating vagina and anus roughly life size just at the bottom of the garden as you do!

I wondered where that'd gone!

You wouldn't want her indoors finding it, would you?!

Edited by Prae
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Saturday night and I was viciously attacked by a 77 year old woman, first with a broom, and then with a riding hat :D

Was the most bizarre situation I've been in I think, having to forcably restrain this little old lady and put her in the cage of our van to stop her attacking us and paramedics!

Was less amusing 2 hours later, with her sat on the floor in the middle of A&E screaming about her human rights and telling people what "the fuzz" were doing to her.

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I'd like to add that my original story is still causing me some amusement. You cannot beat face and stomach-aching laughter whilst out on duty and more often than not it seems to find us!

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Not so much a job as a training incident...pottheed and Buck will back me up on just how amusing this was.

So I was at my OPT refresher course. One of the exercises was to test how quickly we'd be able to get up off the ground in a pressurised situation. To simulate this, the two instructors stood at the far end of the gym with a small punching-bag type thing each. Three officers had to lie on the floor in the prone position, around 5 metres in front of the instructors. When an instructor shouted "GO" the officers had to get up as fast as they could and sprint to the end of the gym, without being hit by either of the instructors' punching bags.

All well and good, apart from one officer who got up, made it about 2 steps, then promptly fell over his own feet and reenacted popular 90s dance move "the worm" like so:

Stepanek-worm-w.jpeg

Needless to say we were all in stitches, poor guy.

Edited by HerrComm
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I arrested a tiger once for failing a roadside breath test...

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I arrested a tiger once for failing a roadside breath test...

Was it GRRRRRRREAT?

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Was it GRRRRRRREAT?

He damn near drove it straight into our van!

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Had an interesting call to a domestic a while back, and I never got involved directly with the incident after finding my own to deal with whilst on scene.

We were called to an address down the road from the nick to reports of a couple arguing and fighting on the street outside their house, so myself and a regular colleague got into the car and were there within about 30 seconds. As we paused briefly to see if we could hear the reported arguments, which we couldnt, so we approached the address in question. My colleague went to the front door, and I followed behind.

As he was knocking on the door I heard a voice coming from a dark corner near a garden fence, who was groaning asking for help - "potential victim?" was my first thought. At this point I got my torch out and started to search for the source of the voice, and noticed a guy in his late 20's in a heap on the floor with his phone in his hand which he passed to me. I took the phone and said "hello, it's SC *name* from the police, who am I speaking to?" to get the reply "its ambulance control, have you any idea whats going on because we don't" so I informed them that i'd find out what was happening and if an ambulance was necesary i'd request one via control.

I found out what had happened, gave the chap a once over to assess if there were injuries, and this was the conversation I had with comms..

Me: "Control receiving *unit?"

Comms: "Go ahead"

Me: "Can EMAS attend the job at *address* please I've got a male, late 20's, breathing and conscious with a potentially broken ankle, also complaining of back pain"

Comms: "EMAS requested and on route, can you provide further information?"

Me: "Yeah, he is our informant, and was looking out the window when he fell out of it - just to add, it was a first floor window"

Comms: "Received...."

Comms: "Sorry *unit* can you confirm he fell from a first floor window?"

Me: "Yes that's correct, first floor window, one above the ground floor"

Needless to say when he told me why he was on the floor outside, we both ended up laughing despite him having a bone almost protruding from his ankle...

Long post, but it was quite amusing for me, especially as comms had to double check the story and were in disbelief about what i'd told them.

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This amused me, but I'm not sure how well it tells to someone who wasn't there.

I has a job where I had to get some further statements from witnesses. The summary was that a large male had gone to a pub and was obviously looking for a guy called Ben. He wanted to see him to obviously settle some score The kicker is that he had a small axe on him. When I was getting accounts from the the witnesses they all said that he came into the pub and kept saying "Where is Ben?". Now, that's not amusing in itself, but throughout the couple of hours I was writing statements, this was the only thing going around my head:

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Overheard on the radio this week:

1st Job comes in, grade 1 alarm activation at a pub on the other side of the division. Several patrols show themselves making.

5 mins later: "We've just had a job come in, possibly related to the earlier grade 1. Male has fallen asleep in pub toilet, just woken up and gone out to find everyone else has gone home and the pub in darkness. Alarm is now going off. Can't remember which pub he's in."

:w00t:

Edited by andituk

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Overheard last night on the radio:

"Any units currently dealing with the theft of a tree on Met ground respond..."

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