Things You Never Hear...

To avoid getting lynched, I should point out that this list was submitted by a Surrey Police sergeant, so I'm just the messenger! In any event, it is scrupulously fair... in that just about every group is parodied!

Things you never hear a senior officer say

"And this bank holiday we're going to have maximum cover."
"Actually, we've under spent this year."
"You want which day off?, relax, take the whole week."
"Look, I know you're understaffed today, let me take a car out on patrol."
"I'm on my way to your sudden death assignment, right now."
"We're not interested in statistics, just the welfare of our officers."
"You know, these new management techniques are a complete waste of time."
"Can I get you a cup of tea?"

Things you never hear a CID officer (detective) say

"Of course I'll interview your prisoner."
"That seems like a complex case, I'm sure you're too busy, let me deal with it."
"Oh yes, that sounds like a job for CID."
"I'll go first."
"I'll cancel my grub break and help you out with that case."
"Can I help you with any of that paper work?"
"No really, we've nothing on at the moment. Leave it for us to deal with."
"There's obviously a pattern emerging here. We'll do some observations for you."
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"We'll be in at 5am tomorrow."
"I'm late shift this Saturday, if you need me I'll be in the office."
"Do you want some CID cover on night shift?"
"Actually drinking interferes with my fitness regime."

Things you never hear a uniformed officer say

"We have arrested the person who broke into your home."
"No, seriously, I'm very interested in the very personal, detailed and extensive history of the domestic circumstances leading up to this incident."
"We've arrested the man who stole your car."
"No, no, I'm sure that's our area, we'll go."
"I know just where I left the cones and signs. I'll collect them before the end of my tour of duty."
"There's no need to put petrol in the car, I've already topped it up."
"Actually, I'm feeling a lot better, I think I'll come in today."
"We've arrested the person who broke into your car."
"That sounds like an interesting assignment, I'll go."
"Shall I monitor channel 89 for the arrival of the helicopter?"
"Would you like me to go to that domestic?"
"You're right, it is a police matter."
"My reports were submitted ages before they were due."
"The thought of getting out of this job early on a medical pension leaves me cold."
"I find the cold so invigorating, I think I'll park up and do some foot patrol."

Things you never hear a traffic officer say

"Actually, you're right, I do have something better to do."
"Now I come to think of it, my radar gun is faulty."
"You were driving at just about the correct speed."
"Of course you can have a verbal caution rather than this ticket."
"I say, we're frightfully busy with this accident, would you mind awfully, if it's not too much trouble, going that way instead?"
"You're quite right, mobile phones are handy, aren't they?"
"Of course, you can borrow some equipment, take it from my car."
"It doesn't matter that it's not a traffic assignment, let us help you out."
"Of course I can park the car and get out every once in a while."
"I'm too active, I can't sleep in the patrol car on nights."

Things you never hear a dog handler say:

"No really, the conditions are perfect."
"No not at all, we love tracking in the rain."
"Actually I'm just round the corner, I'll be there in a minute."
"It seems he walked away from the scene of the crime, no suggestion of a vehicle at all."
"It's all right, he won't bite."
"Nobody's training at all so there's loads of us on duty."

Things you never hear a Scenes of Crime Officer say:

"I can tell you from the fibres, fingerprints and footprint that I've found, John Smith definitely did this."
"There's so many prints I don't know which ones to examine first."
"The conditions are absolutely ideal for evidence gathering."
"Yeah, leave it in the office, we'll bag it up when we get back."
"I was really impressed with the standard of your exhibit labelling and packaging."
"It will be a pleasure to take your samples to the lab."
"Actually, we're very quiet today, we'll be at your burglary in a few minutes."
"Tell you what, as there are two of us on we'll take a vehicle each to maximise the number of assignments we can deal with."
"We'll have the results back for you this afternoon."

Things you never hear a controller say:

"It's okay, I told them it wasn't a police matter."
"No need to attend, I've advised them over the phone."
"I've anticipated you and already looked it up/made the enquiry/found out/contacted the person (etc.)"
"Sorry, no long list of jobs for you today."
"I've typed up the result of the job exactly as you told me."

Things you never hear a Crown prosecutor say:

"We can't hold the case on that day as you are on annual leave."
"Actually we feel the charge is too minor, we're going to charge a more serious offence."
"We've asked the court to do the not guilty pleas first so the witnesses don't have to wait around too long."
"You were right, we shouldn't have dropped that case."
"The victims' views are paramount here."
"You're quite right."
"There are ten police witnesses in this case, realistically, we only need one of them at court."
"We've successfully applied for compensation for you."

With thanks to Police999.com, where this originally appeared (and still does!).