Police Jokes & Stories

Know any good police jokes?  Or maybe you're a Special with a funny story to tell (we all have them!). Please email them to me if you do - and if they're clean enough I'll post them here!  Don't forget to also look at our forum for more jokes and anecdotes!

More police quotes

• "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."

• "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

• "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

• "Yes sir, you can talk to the sergeant, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the sergeant?"

• "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

• "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

• "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

• "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

• "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

• "Just how big were those two beers?"

• "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Cop And Monkey

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.  As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk". The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey nodded vigorously. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes", motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"  Asked the officer.

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes".

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes".

"What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing". "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes". "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they crashed?"

"Yes".

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

Trust a fellow officer

A defence lawyer was cross-examining a police officer during a trial -- it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several streets away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defence lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

School Police

The Government announced in May 2002 that police officers will be stationed in some of the most troubled British schools. Copyright (C) Daily Telegraph

The Making of a Police Officer

Are police officers born, or made? This cartoon might help you decide...

Nice Try

A San Francisco motorist was unknowingly caught in an automatic camera speed trap. He received a $40 ticket in the post and a photo of his car. Instead of paying up, he sent the police department a photo of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department containing another picture - of a pair of handcuffs. He paid the fine.

But Officer...

Real-life speeding excuses that didn't quite cut it...

• "I needed to get to the petrol station before the fuel runs out"
• "I was hurrying to the petrol station before they ran out of free glasses"
• "I'm a research physicist trying to prove Einstein's theory of relativity"
• "Thank heavens officer, I thought the flashing blue light chasing me was a UFO"
• "My shoes have just been resoled and I'm not used to the extra weight on the pedal"
• "I was in a complete daze because I've got a new air freshener in my car"
• "I'm a member of the Royal Family"
• "I was trying to get away from the car following me"
• "These 'go faster' stripes really do work then"
• "I was trying to make up the hour we lost when the clocks went forward"

No Escape

From Colin Johnson

A man is driving his car on the motorway when suddenly he sees a police car loom up behind him in his mirror. He immediately puts his foot down, reaching 60 mph, then 90 mph then finally 120 mph! Finally the police car catches up with him and he is forced to pull over.

Officer: "Didn't you see me in the mirror?"
Driver (sweating): "Yes I did."
Officer: "So why did you speed up then?"
Driver (looking nervously into the police car): "Well officer, my wife ran off with a policeman a week ago... I thought you were bringing her back!"

Cats and dogs

These two true stories come from Dave Hutchinson, an SO in Runcorn with Cheshire Constabulary. The first story happened to his dad's mate in Merseyside, the second on his own division in Cheshire.

Two officers attended a report of a break-in at a big posh house in Southport. They walked up the long drive to the front door of the house, on the door step was a tatty looking Alsatian dog, but it didn't bother them and they knocked on the door. An old, very well spoken gent answered the door and invited the officers in, and the dog followed them.

The gent's wife brought the officers tea and cakes whilst they examined the damaged window and took details of the property that had been stolen. Whilst this was going on the dog had fallen asleep in front of the fire. As the officers were about to leave (the cake was very nice and it was a cold day so they did a proper job) the dog woke up, walked to the middle of a very plush looking rug and proceeded to do a HUGE turd on the rug. The two officers looked on in shock, but neither the old gent or his wife batted an eyelid!

Their work done, the now speechless officers said goodbye and took their leave. As they started down the drive the old gent shouted after them, "excuse me officers, you seem to have forgotten your police dog..."

A very distraught old lady rushed into the public area of Widnes police station and spoke to the officer behind the desk (it was a while ago!) She explained that a cat was on the road outside with horrific injuries after it had been run over, and that it needed putting out of its misery, as it was in considerable pain. The caring PC told the lady not to worry, and that Cheshire Constabulary were prepared for such eventualities. The PC then dug out the bolt gun (a humane killing device for animals) from a dusty cupboard and went outside to the stricken cat.

He set the gun to the right level, cocked its powerful spring mechanism and placed it against the fatally injured cats head. The old lady gave it a final calming stroke before it went to the great cats home in the sky. The PC squeezed the trigger and to his horror the cats head promptly exploded, covering him and the old lady with a gory shower of cat brains.

On checking the device he saw that it was still set for CAT, but a closer look revealed three more letters - CATTLE... needless to say, the policy now is to call a vet!

Crafty

Women Drivers!

From SO Andy Gale in Huddersfield...

One of my first duties was with the traffic department.  We attended an accident involving a car and a bus.  On arrival we saw a car smack in the middle of a double-decker bus, and the elderly lady driver arguing with the bus driver.  Neither appeared to be injured.  My colleague and I split the couple up and asked the old lady whose fault she thought the accident was.

"It was the bus driver's fault", she said indignantly.

My colleague asked why she thought the bus driver was at fault.

The lady replied, "Because he was five minutes early..."

Whizzy Watchman

A true story from Darren Harvey, a Section Officer in Blackpool (for our non-UK visitors: Blackpool is a northern English seaside resort with a famous tower, modelled on the Eiffel Tower in Paris)...

I work as an SO in Blackpool and the Tower has at the top a strobe light that whizzes around the outside of the upper viewing platform at night, going around once every few seconds.  One evening an old lady approached me and my colleague and asked what it was for.

My friend advised her it was the night watchman doing his rounds. As policemen never tell fibs she accepted this and went on her way.

Half an hour later she was back. Very seriously she said,  "He ain't half quick, ain't he?"