Old jokes home
Posted 23 July 2012 - 05:16 PM
Posted 23 July 2012 - 05:33 PM
He only got a little plaque.
Posted 23 July 2012 - 05:37 PM
The barman says, "Why the big pause?"
"Because I'm a bear", he replies.
Posted 23 July 2012 - 06:09 PM
We used to have an old sergeant in our station who was nicknamed "The Olympic Flame"...........Because he never went out.
The Gurkha....because he takes no prisoners (courtesy a poster on here a while ago...Steve Collins?)
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday the other month. Tell you what, never again...
Posted 23 July 2012 - 06:52 PM
"That's right now where's my TARDIS?"
I've got a book of these somewhere.
Posted 23 July 2012 - 07:32 PM
Taking a seat in her lounge she offers him a cup of tea and he notices a bowl full of plain Peanuts on the coffee table. Accepting the cup of tea the vicar asks if he may have some of the peanuts. "Of course, help yourself."
The conversation begins to flow about anything and everything from the weather to the flower arrangements and all the while the vicar is helping himself to the nuts.
After some time the vicar makes his apologies and goes to leave when he notices the bowl of nuts is now empty.
"Oh, Mrs Miggins, I'm so sorry I've eaten all of your plain nuts, I'm incredibly sorry"
"Oh thats no problem Vicar" she replies "Since I got my new dentures i've only been able to suck the chocolate off them..."
Edited by Burnie, 23 July 2012 - 07:32 PM.
Posted 23 July 2012 - 07:50 PM
You mean the Nun Joke? "Where's = WEARS, (as in WORN)"
Aahhhhh, gotcha. Was wondering that myself... D'oh
Posted 24 July 2012 - 06:47 AM
The wife says, "I used to go out with him years ago and he proposed to me. I turned him down, I don't know why!"
The husband turns to her and says, "I don't either, but it looks like he's still celebrating!"
A bloke and his missus were travelling from Yorkshire by car to a holiday cottage in Cornwall. They stop half way to fill up with petrol, the wife stays in the car and the man at the garage strikes up a conversation with the husband. He asks where they are from, where they are going, etc. and then says that he had been to Yorkshire once and dated the most ugly woman he had ever seen and went on to tell all about her other faults, etc. As they drove off, the wife asks the husband why it took so long to fill up with fuel. The husband says, "He thinks he knows you!"
Posted 24 July 2012 - 08:51 AM
Posted 07 August 2012 - 11:28 AM
"OK, let me examine you"............"Oh dear, that's just the tip of the iceberg"
Posted 07 August 2012 - 11:43 AM
Patient to Doctor, "Oh, he's doing the housework Doctor"
A man and his wife are having a talk and they get round to discussing her mother. "You hardly ever speak to her these days", she says. "I know, I'm sorry but I'm not good at guessing when she will next pause for breath", he replies.
Posted 07 August 2012 - 12:19 PM
Posted 10 August 2012 - 01:07 PM
The market trader bawls his wears out on the pavement!
Posted 10 August 2012 - 01:32 PM
Posted 11 August 2012 - 01:28 PM
Edited by HerrComm, 11 August 2012 - 01:28 PM.
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