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PENICILLIN!
Old jokes home
Started by
sparkydale
, Jul 19 2012 04:54 PM
40 replies to this topic
#26
Posted 23 July 2012 - 05:16 PM
What do you give the man who has everything???
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PENICILLIN!
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PENICILLIN!
#27
Posted 23 July 2012 - 05:33 PM
Did you hear about the dentist that was voted 'Dentist of the Year?'
He only got a little plaque.
He only got a little plaque.
#28
Posted 23 July 2012 - 05:37 PM
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of errrm............................................................................Guinness.
The barman says, "Why the big pause?"
"Because I'm a bear", he replies.
The barman says, "Why the big pause?"
"Because I'm a bear", he replies.
#29
Posted 23 July 2012 - 06:09 PM
We used to have an old sergeant in our station who was nicknamed "The Olympic Flame"...........Because he never went out.
The Gurkha....because he takes no prisoners (courtesy a poster on here a while ago...Steve Collins?)
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday the other month. Tell you what, never again...
#30
Posted 23 July 2012 - 06:52 PM
There is always that incredibly cheesy knock-knock joke,
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Doctor"
"Doctor who?"
"That's right now where's my TARDIS?"
I've got a book of these somewhere.
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Doctor"
"Doctor who?"
"That's right now where's my TARDIS?"
I've got a book of these somewhere.
#31
Posted 23 July 2012 - 07:32 PM
The local vicar was doing his rounds when he stopped off at old Mrs Miggins home.
Taking a seat in her lounge she offers him a cup of tea and he notices a bowl full of plain Peanuts on the coffee table. Accepting the cup of tea the vicar asks if he may have some of the peanuts. "Of course, help yourself."
The conversation begins to flow about anything and everything from the weather to the flower arrangements and all the while the vicar is helping himself to the nuts.
After some time the vicar makes his apologies and goes to leave when he notices the bowl of nuts is now empty.
"Oh, Mrs Miggins, I'm so sorry I've eaten all of your plain nuts, I'm incredibly sorry"
"Oh thats no problem Vicar" she replies "Since I got my new dentures i've only been able to suck the chocolate off them..."
Taking a seat in her lounge she offers him a cup of tea and he notices a bowl full of plain Peanuts on the coffee table. Accepting the cup of tea the vicar asks if he may have some of the peanuts. "Of course, help yourself."
The conversation begins to flow about anything and everything from the weather to the flower arrangements and all the while the vicar is helping himself to the nuts.
After some time the vicar makes his apologies and goes to leave when he notices the bowl of nuts is now empty.
"Oh, Mrs Miggins, I'm so sorry I've eaten all of your plain nuts, I'm incredibly sorry"
"Oh thats no problem Vicar" she replies "Since I got my new dentures i've only been able to suck the chocolate off them..."
Edited by Burnie, 23 July 2012 - 07:32 PM.
#32
Posted 23 July 2012 - 07:50 PM
You mean the Nun Joke? "Where's = WEARS, (as in WORN)"
Aahhhhh, gotcha. Was wondering that myself... D'oh
#33
Posted 24 July 2012 - 06:47 AM
A bloke goes to a dinner dance with his missus and they both see a rather large handsome man on the dance floor dancing and gyrating to heavy music, whilst singing the dance tune at the top of his voice.
The wife says, "I used to go out with him years ago and he proposed to me. I turned him down, I don't know why!"
The husband turns to her and says, "I don't either, but it looks like he's still celebrating!"
A bloke and his missus were travelling from Yorkshire by car to a holiday cottage in Cornwall. They stop half way to fill up with petrol, the wife stays in the car and the man at the garage strikes up a conversation with the husband. He asks where they are from, where they are going, etc. and then says that he had been to Yorkshire once and dated the most ugly woman he had ever seen and went on to tell all about her other faults, etc. As they drove off, the wife asks the husband why it took so long to fill up with fuel. The husband says, "He thinks he knows you!"
The wife says, "I used to go out with him years ago and he proposed to me. I turned him down, I don't know why!"
The husband turns to her and says, "I don't either, but it looks like he's still celebrating!"
A bloke and his missus were travelling from Yorkshire by car to a holiday cottage in Cornwall. They stop half way to fill up with petrol, the wife stays in the car and the man at the garage strikes up a conversation with the husband. He asks where they are from, where they are going, etc. and then says that he had been to Yorkshire once and dated the most ugly woman he had ever seen and went on to tell all about her other faults, etc. As they drove off, the wife asks the husband why it took so long to fill up with fuel. The husband says, "He thinks he knows you!"
#34
Posted 24 July 2012 - 08:51 AM
A chap was stopped by the police the other day doing 120 MPH on the M4. The officer asked him to give him one good reason why he was doing that speed, to which he replied, "Well, two months ago my wife ran off with a Traffic Cop, when I saw you were behind me I thought you were bringing her back!"
#35
Posted 07 August 2012 - 11:28 AM
"Doctor doctor, I'm really concerned as there are lettuce leaves growing out of my bottom"
"OK, let me examine you"............"Oh dear, that's just the tip of the iceberg"
"OK, let me examine you"............"Oh dear, that's just the tip of the iceberg"
#36
Posted 07 August 2012 - 11:43 AM
Doctor to Patient, "Hello Mrs. Smith and how is the pain in the buttocks doing now?"
Patient to Doctor, "Oh, he's doing the housework Doctor"
A man and his wife are having a talk and they get round to discussing her mother. "You hardly ever speak to her these days", she says. "I know, I'm sorry but I'm not good at guessing when she will next pause for breath", he replies.
Patient to Doctor, "Oh, he's doing the housework Doctor"
A man and his wife are having a talk and they get round to discussing her mother. "You hardly ever speak to her these days", she says. "I know, I'm sorry but I'm not good at guessing when she will next pause for breath", he replies.
#37
Posted 07 August 2012 - 12:19 PM
A police officer pulled a young women over for speeding and politely asked to see her licence. "Why don't you cops get your act together" she said in a huff. "Yesterday you took my licence away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!
#38
Posted 10 August 2012 - 01:07 PM
What's the difference between a market trader and a dachschund ?
The market trader bawls his wears out on the pavement!
The market trader bawls his wears out on the pavement!
#39
Posted 10 August 2012 - 01:32 PM
Two nuns driving down a country lane in Transylvania when a very large vampire bat lands on the bonnet and blocks their view of the road. One nun says to the other, "Ooh sister, it's a vampire bat, you will have to show it your cross" The other nun gets out of the car and says to the bat, "Oi goofy **** off!!!"
#41
Posted 11 August 2012 - 01:28 PM
A nose walks into a bar. The barman says "I'm not serving you, you're off your face!"
Edited by HerrComm, 11 August 2012 - 01:28 PM.
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