"I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle.
"You've worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned.
Jokes topic
Started by
Bart S
, Mar 28 2011 09:08 AM
148 replies to this topic
#102
Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:54 PM
Two friends are hiking in the mountains when they stumble across a grizzly bear. The bear rears up on its hind legs and roars at them, displaying all of the signs of aggression. They both know they're in real trouble.
One of the men sits down calmly, takes off his hiking boots, and pulls a pair of running shoes out of his backpack.
"What are you doing?" screams his friend. "You can't outrun a bear!"
"I don't have to", he says while tying his shoes. "I just have to outrun you!"
One of the men sits down calmly, takes off his hiking boots, and pulls a pair of running shoes out of his backpack.
"What are you doing?" screams his friend. "You can't outrun a bear!"
"I don't have to", he says while tying his shoes. "I just have to outrun you!"
#104
Posted 31 July 2012 - 07:44 PM
I copped off with a lass from a travelling fun fair last night, she asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time, well I thought it would be rude to refuse, and she wasn't kidding!!! I went on the Dodgems, Waltzer, Ghost Train and come home with a goldfish!....
Edited by Bart S, 31 July 2012 - 07:55 PM.
#105
Posted 31 July 2012 - 07:45 PM
Hint, select all and press the eraser top left of the editor to remove the formatting from where you copied it from!I copped off with a lass from a travelling fun fair last night, she asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time, well I thought it would be rude to refuse, and she wasn't kidding!!! I went on the Dodgems, Waltzer, Ghost Train and come home with a goldfish!....
#107
Posted 01 November 2012 - 10:05 AM
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out & catch my own alligator & get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile,
'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and try it?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, he was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration ...
rubbish!
THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile,
'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and try it?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, he was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration ...
rubbish!
THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
#108
Posted 01 November 2012 - 10:29 AM
My new girlfriend has 'brittle bone desease', I had a cracking night out with her last night!
#109
Posted 01 November 2012 - 01:28 PM
The wife divorced me because of my pasta touching fetish.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now..
I'm feeling cannelloni right now..
#110
Posted 01 November 2012 - 01:53 PM
A man is arrested for murder, during the interview the Detective discovers the man was married before:
Detective - "you were married before, what happened to her?"
Suspect - "she died"
Detective - "Could you tell me how she died?"
Suspect - "She ate some poisonous mushrooms"
Detective - "I am sorry to hear that. You recently deceased wife died from a fractured skull, could you tell me what happened?"
Suspect "Yeah, she wouldn't eat her mushrooms!"
Thats not the original joke but gave it a Police spin
Detective - "you were married before, what happened to her?"
Suspect - "she died"
Detective - "Could you tell me how she died?"
Suspect - "She ate some poisonous mushrooms"
Detective - "I am sorry to hear that. You recently deceased wife died from a fractured skull, could you tell me what happened?"
Suspect "Yeah, she wouldn't eat her mushrooms!"
Thats not the original joke but gave it a Police spin
#111
Posted 01 November 2012 - 02:17 PM
Wife asks husband, " You never said one word during dinner with my mother yesterday".
Husband replies, " I'm sorry love, I was just waiting for her to pause for breath"
Husband replies, " I'm sorry love, I was just waiting for her to pause for breath"
#112
Peeler91
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- Members
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- 127 posts
Learning the Ropes
Posted 02 November 2012 - 03:14 PM
Police Officer: "Sir, it looks like your wife's been in a serious accident"
Husband: "I know but she's got a lovely personality"
Husband: "I know but she's got a lovely personality"
#113
Posted 09 November 2012 - 08:56 PM
Clean can be funny.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's licence. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
************************************ ***********
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of Chardonnay.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's licence. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
************************************ ***********
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of Chardonnay.
#114
Posted 17 November 2012 - 03:13 PM
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
#115
Posted 29 November 2012 - 12:37 PM
Spanish Computer
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
#116
Posted 30 November 2012 - 11:29 AM
Two men came racing out of the pub and called to me, "Your mother-in-law is being beaten up by 4 blokes in there!" "Thanks", I said. "Well aren't you going to help?", asks one of them. "No, four of them should be enough", I replied.
#117
Posted 30 November 2012 - 12:03 PM
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
#118
Posted 30 November 2012 - 12:19 PM
A pregnant woman goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "Have you had a check-up in the last six weeks, Mrs. Smith?" "No doctor, I think he was Polish", she replied.
#119
Posted 30 November 2012 - 01:19 PM
A pregnant woman goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "Have you had a check-up in the last six weeks, Mrs. Smith?" "No doctor, I think he was Polish", she replied.
That made me choke on my cous cous!
Your name reminded me of one of my favourite "shaggy dog" type jokes actually.
Dave, an office worker, keeps making outrageous claims that he knows everybody of note, and more than that, is close acquaintances with these people. One of his colleagues decides to challenge him on his supposed connections, to which Dave agrees. "Go on, I'll convince you! Name any famous person you like, and I'll show you I'm right!".
So his colleague thinks for a few seconds, and says, "Alright, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No problem" replies Dave, and they jump on a flight to LA (suspend your disbelief, please), turn up at a luxurious house in the Hollywood Hills, ring the doorbell, and sure enough Tom Cruise answers, greets Dave by name and invites them both in for drinks by the pool.
A few days later Dave and his colleague are talking again. "That was pretty impressive" admits the colleague "but everyone famous? It's just too unlikely. I'm still not convinced."
"No worries," says Dave, "Name someone else, anyone!"
"Okay...Her Majesty The Queen!" replies Dave's colleague, thinking he's surely outfoxed him now.
"Hmm...a bit more difficult, but still do-able" says Dave, and within a few hours they are both in the inner confines of Buckingham Palace, having been granted an audience with Her Majesty.
Same situation, a few days later, and Dave and his colleague are having a chinwag about the previous events. "Well, I don't know what to think now, first Tom Cruise, now the Queen...it certainly seems as if you get around a bit" says Dave's colleague, "But come on, be reasonable, you can't know EVERYBODY!"
So Dave, getting a bit fed up now, says "Fine, one final chance for me to prove it, we'll settle this!"
"Okay," replies the colleague "The Pope!"
So off they go to the Vatican, where the Pope is giving a rare public address. Dave leaves his colleague in the throng of people down below and joins the Pontiff on the veranda, receiving a Papal blessing and standing in close proximity to His Holiness for the duration of the mass. He returns to where he left his colleague and is shocked to see him laid out on the floor receiving medical attention from a paramedic. He runs over and says "What happened?"
"Oh, it was too much..." groans the colleague "you came out on the stage with the Pope, and the bloke next to me turned around and said "Who the bloody hell's that up there on the stage with Dave?""
#121
Posted 10 December 2012 - 11:10 PM
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCOs store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm a Civil Servant and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from TESCOs. Better watch what you ask Civil Servants. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm a Civil Servant and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from TESCOs. Better watch what you ask Civil Servants. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
#122
Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:41 PM
Christmas is coming,
the goose is getting fat.
Can't afford a turkey,
we'll have to have a rat.
the goose is getting fat.
Can't afford a turkey,
we'll have to have a rat.
#123
Posted 14 January 2013 - 03:34 PM
A lorry driver goes on a date with a girl, afterwards they go back to her parents place, and just beginning to make love on the couch when he feels the cold steel of a gun barrel on his neck..
Before he could turn around her father said "if you are a real lorry driver you'll be able to back out of there with a full load!!"
Before he could turn around her father said "if you are a real lorry driver you'll be able to back out of there with a full load!!"
#124
Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:16 PM
The other half just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.
#125
Posted 15 January 2013 - 01:26 PM
At the National Art Gallery , in Dublin Ireland , a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”
After the curator left, an Irish man approached the Canadian couple and said,“Would you like to know what the painting is really about?” “Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband. “Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied.
”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners....................
The guy in the middle just went home for lunch."
Edited by Killicksparker, 15 January 2013 - 01:27 PM.
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