148 replies to this topic

[Bart S]

Come on guys, keep it clean, I don't want to be held responsible for David having a heart attack. You've seen how unfanciable he is, would you want to give him mouth to mouth!!!

Edited by The Highway Man, 28 March 2011 - 07:04 PM.

[pavarotti1980]

Because it was totally inappropriate for PS.Com. As I said we're not down the pub getting drunk when those sort of things seem funny at the time.

Neither do jokes have to use the 'f' word left right and centre and in any event, certainly not on here.

Well yes I agree that petrol prices are highly inappropriate so therefore removal may have been the best course of action

[ataylor0]

Man walks into a bar with a giraffe..
They get drunk, giraffe passes out, man walks out alone...

Bar tender says, "Oi, you cant leave that lyin' there"
Drunk replies, "No, its a giraffe, not a lion"

[Bart S]

Is this diverse and politically correct enough?


A conversation overheard at the battle of Trafalgar, however it could be any Civil Service department.


Admiral Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Captain Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal Opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens Hardy!! I suppose we'd better get on with it ...full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir.We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy."

[ataylor0]

Another -

Why is marriage like a deck of cards?

Start of marriage - Its all hearts and diamons.

Give it a few years - Its all Clubs and spades.

_______________________________________________

Another Joke, The Labour party.
Ohhh... Trolling.

[Bart S]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."



The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.

He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz... Down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved!"

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said, "I'm a Lark and I've been sparked"

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.

The Duck is lying there really cheesed off, and says "I'm a Drake and there's been a mistake!"



Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Barack Obama, always trying to be presidential, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses!!”



Jerry's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, Jerry turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My son, it is caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; a contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and a lack of personal hygiene."

Jerry muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry. I should not have come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don' t have arthritis, Father," Jerry replied. "I was just reading here that the pope does."

[Chewie]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get drunk, and the giraffe falls over. As the man goes to leave the bartender says, "Oi, you can't leave that lyin' there." The man replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

[pmtts]

Tut tut Highway Man.

This thread was doomed from the start

[Bart S]

I don't know what you mean your honour!!

Edited by The Highway Man, 28 March 2011 - 07:54 PM.

[ataylor0]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get drunk, and the giraffe falls over. As the man goes to leave the bartender says, "Oi, you can't leave that lyin' there." The man replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

Already been said

[Chewie]

Already been said

That'll teach me for not realising there was a second page to the thread...

[Steve Collins]

Why do women get married in white?











To match the appliances.

[Eurocopter]

Just had a water fight over at the park with a bunch of the local kids....I won!! No one's a match for me and my kettle!

My cruel mind found that hilarious!

[Sergeant Colon]

A man walks into a bar.

"Ow." He says.






Two Elephants walk off a cliff.

Boom boom.

[Chewie]

A drum kit falls out of a tree.

Badum tsch!




Thieves have broken into a police station and stolen all the toilets. A police spokesman said they have nothing to go on.

[CSC1]

Why was six scared of 7?



Because seven ate nine...

[Sam_McCully]

I went to a 24 hour petrol station the other night and went up to the glass outside and said to the woman 'Can I have a kitkat chunky?' she went and got me my kitkat chunky and I replied. I wanted a normal kitkat fatty!

If money doesnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?

Just come back from the Gym. Theres a new machine there. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. It does everything though..Kitkats, Mars Bars, Snickers

My mates a lorry driver and one of his clients ask him to take 50 penguins to the zoo and paid him £500 as agreed prior. My mate had £100 change so decided to take them to the pictures as well

Sam

[Reado]

*Removed due to content*



(thought i'd do the honours before David saw it)

Edited by Reado, 29 March 2011 - 06:19 PM.

[Bart S]

Naughty boy!! if you'd thought about the content before hitting post, you wouldn't have had to delete it!!

[Doghandler2009]

Two cows in a field the first cow says 'moo' second cow says 'baa' first cow says 'what was that?' cow reply's i'm learning a foreign language!'

[Bart S]

2 cows in a field, one says to the other, "have you heard about that mad cow disease?" the second one goes, "doesn't affect me, i'm a duck!!"

2 fish in a tank, one says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Doghandler2009]

A husband takes his wife to her 20 year school reunion. On a nearby table is a bloke on his own who is obviously intoxicated. He asks his wife who is that ? She replys oh hes my ex boyfriend he started drinking on the day we split up and hasnt stopped yet.

Thats impressive says the husband i didnt know anyone could celebrate for that long

[Bart S]

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his dog bounds into the living room and plonks a dead rabbit at his feet!

The thing is very, very dead, its fur all mangled and filthy and as he peers at it he realises it's his neighbour's pet rabbit.

"Oh my God!" the man says, "you stupid dog. Next door will kill ME when they find out."

He thinks for a bit then rushes up the stairs, washes the poor dead rabbit, brushes its fur all nice and blow dries it.

Satisfied, he creeps round to the neighbour's place, puts the bunny in the hutch and hopes the neighbours just think it died in its sleep.

Well, the very next day his neighbour meets at the garden fence.

"Hey," he says, "did you hear our pet bunny Fluffy died?"

"No!" says our man, "What happened?"

"Don't know," says the neighbour, "just went to feed her and she was dead."

There was a pause.

"The funny thing is, we buried her, but the next day someone dug her up, cleaned her, brushed her fur and stuck her back in the cage! There are some sickos out there!"









A besotted couple of newlyweds are honeymooning at an idyllic farmhouse retreat. After two or three days without either of them appearing for breakfast, dinner, tea or supper the farmer's wife is rather worried.

One morning she goes up to their room and knocks timidly at the door.

“Everything all right you two? Only I've not seen you down for any food, that's all!”

“Perfectly alright, thank you' replies the bride, breathlessly. 'We've been living off the fruits of love.”

“I see” said the farmer’s wife. “In that case, would you please stop throwing the skins out of the window, as the ducks are using them as wellies!”

[JJMM1985]

2 guys chatting about telly:
"Watched a thing last night about the Nazis."
"Oh yeah, is that the one with Adolph in?"
"No mate you're thinking of 'Flipper', this one was just about the Nazis"

Edited by JJMM1985, 30 March 2011 - 07:33 PM.

[Burnie]

*WARNING - Harmless inter-service banter coming up*



St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"