148 replies to this topic

[Bart S]

The Talking Centipede.

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged critter), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! - I'm putting my shoes on!"

Edited by David, 28 March 2011 - 05:09 PM.
Unnecessary profanity removed.

[Rooster1]

Brilliant! really made me laugh! I reckon this should become a jokes thread? thoughts? opinions?

Read a great one the other day!

Paddy and Murphy decide to go fishing. They spend all day sitting by the river, with their rods, but don't get a single catch.Sitting in the pub, drowning out their sorrows, Paddy suddenly gets a brilliant idea.."Murphy" he says "If we find a bridge, you lower me over the edge, and when a fish comes I'll tickle it untill it falls asleep, grab it, and call you to lift me back up... We'll get baskets of fish!!!" "Paddy, thats the best damn idea you've ever had!!"The next day, they decide to try out Paddy's idea...After hours of walking, they find a bridge."Right, lower me over Murphy, and wait till I call you."One hour passes... Two hours... Three... Four... Five...Six hours later, Paddy suddenly screams"Murphy! MURPHY! QUICK QUICK.. PULL ME UP, PULL ME UP!!""Why, whats wrong Paddy?""JUST PULL ME UP! PULL ME UP!!""WHY PADDY?!?!""THERE'S A TRAIN COMING!!"










And another!



Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One looks ashamed. His friend asks him what's wrong. He says, "I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there."

Edited by Rooster1, 28 March 2011 - 10:18 AM.

[Bart S]

Sounds good to me, topic title amended accordingly.

[Garion]

Courtesy of Wikipedia...


Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.


Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It's full of elephants.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can't close the door.
Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: There's an empty Mini parked outside.

Edited by Garion, 28 March 2011 - 10:50 AM.

[Kenz]

One I found amusing...
"Have you heard they are introducing The Flintstones to the Middle East?"
"Dubai don't like it, but Abu Dhabi doooooo!"

I'll get me coat!

[Rooster1]

Very quick highway man! you are to be commended! with a comedy squirty flower!

Great jokes Garion! keep em coming!

Just had a water fight over at the park with a bunch of the local kids....I won!! No one's a match for me and my kettle!

[Kenz]

I've just unscrewed my first lightbulb..... I'm de-lighted

[pmtts]

Paddy and Murphy decide to go fishing.

Have you heard about the Englishman who thought the world's most famous inventor was an Irishman called Pat Pending?

[king_swann]

two drunk old men are walking down the road and spot a brothel and decide to go in there for a bit of fun.
when they get in there, the mistress sees how steaming drunk they are and tells one of her girls to put blow up dolls in their rooms as they are too drunk and too old to tell the difference.
on the walk back home, the two men have a chat about their experience.
the first man said "i think my girl was dead, she wasnt moving and didnt even make a single sound!"
the other man replied "well it could have been worse"
"how could it be worse than that" the other man replied.
to which the other one said"well i think my girl was a witch"
"a witch??" the other bloke said confused.
"yes a witch! because when i bit her behind, she farted in my face and flew out the window "

[Sarahj83]

what's bob short for??

coz he's got little legs!!


what do you get hanging from apple trees?

sore arms!!


a policeman with a sniffer dog came up to me the other day & said "my dogs tells me you're on drugs"
"ME" i said "you're the one with the talking dog!!"

[Derf]

a policeman with a sniffer dog came up to me the other day & said "my dogs tells me you're on drugs"
"ME" i said "you're the one with the talking dog!!"

+1 for that!

[king_swann]

the police drove past me the otherday and shouted "pullover"
to which i replied "no its a cardigan but thank you for noticing"

classic lol

[Steve Collins]

Two old slappers wake up after a night on the town. One said "Cor my mouth feels like the bottom of a parrots cage" The other replied "I'm not surprised, you had a cockatoo in there last night".

I'll get me coat.

[Kaonashi]

I can't resist posting these again:

Q. What is the difference between a drummer and a chiropodist?

Spoiler

A. A chiropodist bucks-up your feet

Q. What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

Spoiler

A. You only need to punch the information into a drum machine once

More musician jokes here: http://www.policespe...sician%20+jokes (power users only)

Edited by Bouquaine, 28 March 2011 - 01:41 PM.

[Reado]

I was drinking in the pub when this old geman sheperd walks in followed by his owner.
I got talking to him and found out he had retired from the police force and the dog retired at the same time.
He said "My dog still has a few old tricks, Go on boy show him"
The dog walks round the bar, comes back and puts his right paw on my lap.
"What does that mean?" I enquired
"Hes found some Hash somewhere"
Thinking this is AMAZING I send the dog off again,
5 minutes later he comes back and puts his right paw on my lap
"whats he found this time?" I asked
"Hes found some cocaine"
Thinking I should get out of the pub, but having half a pint left I sent the dog out again
When I finished my pint the Dog comes back and does a GIANT POO on my lap
Seeing the owner get his coat to leave I said
"WHAT THE HELL, WHAT DID HE DO THAT FOR"
The owner said "Hes found a bomb"

Edited by David, 28 March 2011 - 05:11 PM.
Unnecessary naughty word removed

[Donatello]

My pet dog Minton is a pain in the backside, he keeps eating shuttlecocks for dinner

Bad minton!

[Reado]

Removed

Edited by David, 28 March 2011 - 06:59 PM.

[David]

Folks, please remember where you are in posting these jokes.

You are not down the pub with your mates getting drunk, OK?

[Doghandler2009]

Two Monkeys in a bath one goes oohh oohh ahh ahh the other says well put some cold water in then

[Bart S]

Folks, please remember where you are in posting these jokes.

You are not down the pub with your mates getting drunk, OK?

Too right, thanks to the government cutting back on everything, I can't afford to go out to the pub with my mates and have to resort to sitting on my bum browsing the free internet provided by my digital TV provider!!!

Edited by The Highway Man, 28 March 2011 - 06:42 PM.

[pavarotti1980]

Removed.

Edited by David, 28 March 2011 - 06:55 PM.

[Corbs]

Meant to +1 sorry, someone add some +s

Edited by David, 28 March 2011 - 06:58 PM.
Quoted detail removed.

[David]

OK. I've already asked you to remember where you are in posting jokes, the message didn't get through. I really don't expect to have to ask again let alone in such a short period of time.

This is your final warning before the thread is pulled.

[pavarotti1980]

Meant to +1 sorry, someone add some +s

Well unfortunately despite your attempted positives it was removed for reason unknown!!

[David]

Well unfortunately despite your attempted positives it was removed for reason unknown!!

Because it was totally inappropriate for PS.Com. As I said we're not down the pub getting drunk when those sort of things seem funny at the time.

Neither do jokes have to use the 'f' word left right and centre and in any event, certainly not on here.